Due to the uncertain times we live in, the Ministry of Magic has asked that we relay the following. “Vagina Buttercup, is famously known and identifies as a Witch & Druid of this and many other realms. She is a long time resident of a little known & much hidden place called Magpie Bottom and has spent lifetimes working with troubled Witches, Wizards, Druids and all manner of magical folk. The disclaimer here at the Gazette requires that we are open & transparent in ensuring that the reader is aware that they at all times are responsible for their own problems and dilemmas that should/might/will occur as a consequence of existing! Personal responsibility is the name of the game and at all times remains with the Witch, wizard, Druid or other magical folk of concern. Vagina Buttercup is here to support & provide the most excellent guidance and advice. T & C’s apply please remember to always ask permission from your responsible magical adult as we do not condone the use of rose tinted specs when reading or submitting anything for our attention!
Thank you for your understanding.”
“Hello and welcome back to this edition of ‘Precious Pixie Corner. As previously shared with you all, I am Vagina Buttercup and I am thrilled and delighted to have been invited to be the Gazettes Magical Agony Aunt...Such an honour... Lets get straight to it... As I always say a Problem shared is a problem halved...Or occasionally exacerbated....No Need to thank me... You are Welcome!
This month’s question has been submitted by the rather impressive but little known Pudenda Unicorn Fairy-Hammock the 3rd, whose balance and relationship to glitter must be a lesson to us all! Or as I like to put it, ‘Help.. ...So once again I invite you all to’ Grab your kirtles, hoist your Chemise and gird your loins this might or most definitely will get messy ....
“Dear Vagina Buttercup,
I really do hope you can help me, you see my Wiccan training includes engaging with nature. But I am worried because I fell out of a tree last year and I am scared that they hate me. Is there a Glitter Bath Bomb Spell I can use? Awaiting your reply with hope and sparkly anticipation
Yours in Wicca
Pudenda Unicorn Fairy-Hammock the 3rd xx
Ohhhhh Dear..... Firstly I think I knew your Grandmother many moons ago my dear....She, as in Gigantia Hawthorn Fairy-Hammock the 9th, also had a habit of falling over, out & up things as well as I remember..We always thought it was because she was a little to partial to the Cowslip Wine you see! Strange woman, an awful sight to behold, especially perched/wedged upon her broom stick. To be honest we were always amazed she managed to take off but seldom surprised when she fell! So having said all of that, it would seen that the branch hasn’t fallen far from the tree.. Excuse the pun...But in truth I don’t know whether to sympathise or give you a stern talking to... As you might imagine I have chosen to go with the latter.
Wiccan training is, as you might be aware my dear, open to all sorts of interpretations, rituals, indoctrinations, weirdness and complete, in my humble opinion, useless twaddle. Sorry I mean very interesting factual, ancient magical wisdoms that are not made up in the slightest by a individuals with shall we say, very questionable tastes and aspirations, not to mention who thought they might really be cosmic shamanic purple shining armadillos...
Why do I say this? Well because since the beginning of all things Craft, is just that, Craft.. A Witch is a Witch, or perhaps even a Druid or a Heathen ... etc..etc... Depending on how old you are, what age you were born into, your language and location etc not to mention the names of your chosen Gods. But to bring the poor old Dryads into it is shockingly poor on your part and then to compound it by asking for the holy grail of a Glitter Bath bomb spell... Well my dear, this old Witch is weeping the very glitter from her own soul at the very thought.. It’s shocking to say the least.
I would ask you to think, how would you like it if somebody decide to climb all over you in the name of better understanding and being close to you. Did you ask the trees/Dryads for a start? Not all Dryads are friendly.. Why were you up a tree to better know nature???? There are so many questions but so little time to ask them, or interest in the answers if I’m honest. But did your wiccan training not instruct you in the very sacred and ancient art of using a ladder or even investing in a specially sprung mattress to break your fall so as to not crush the grass beneath? Nooo.. I think not! I always understood that to be part of 1st degree basics.. Am I wrong?
As for the Glitter Bath Bomb Spell.... well NO is the answer to that..The GBBD, as we in the know like to call it, is not for every Witch, Druid or Heathen you know. Magical folk must understand that there is a long lineage of training, of growing and then passing down the sacred glitter and ancient words that must be learnt and spoken, not to mention the Sacred recipe/brew itself. All of which, I must stress once again, is not the intellectual property of one Ceridwen of Bala, regardless of the size of her blessed cauldron...And let’s be fair we all know where that’s been over the millennia don’t we!
So sadly my dear Pudenda I can only advise you that perhaps climbing tress is not your magic and that access to the GBBD is some way out of your reach for the foreseeable future. But don’t be to down cast, can I suggest surround yourself with everlasting moss for a soft landing, should still insist on trying your luck off the ground. Always ask your local Dryad interpreter for the most accommodating tree. But most importantly re-wild yourself and plant plenty of sweet smelling flowers in every orifice for convenience and connecting with nature again. If all of that fails as it did your dear Grandmother.. Cowslip wine is wonderfully potent and has amazing health benefits.
And there you have it, thank you all for joining me as together we have traversed poor Pudenda’s problem shared moment. As always please do feel free to email me at spiritofawen@btinternet.com with all or any of your questions, queries, and magical problems. I will look forward to hearing from you. Make sure you mark your email FAO V.Buttercup, Precious Pixie corner...
Until next Month
Seasonal Blessings