Due to the uncertain times we live in, the Ministry of Magic has asked that we relay the following. “Vagina Buttercup, is famously known and identifies as a Witch & Druid of this and many other realms. She is a long time resident of a little known & much hidden place called Magpie Bottom and has spent lifetimes working with troubled Witches, Wizards, Druids and all manner of magical folk. The disclaimer here at the Gazette requires that we are open & transparent in ensuring that the reader is aware that they at all times are responsible for their own problems and dilemmas that should/might/will occur as a consequence of existing! Personal responsibility is the name of the game and at all times remains with the Witch, wizard, Druid or other magical folk of concern. Vagina Buttercup is here to support & provide the most excellent guidance and advice. T & C’s apply please remember to always ask permission from your responsible magical adult as we do not condone the use of rose tinted specs when reading or submitting anything for our attention!
Thank you for your understanding.”
“Hello and welcome back to this edition of ‘Precious Pixie Corner. As previously shared with you all, I am Vagina Buttercup and I am thrilled and delighted to have been invited to be the Gazettes Magical Agony Aunt...Such an honour... Lets get straight to it... As I always say a Problem shared is a problem halved...Or occasionally exacerbated....No Need to thank me... You are Welcome!
This month’s question has been submitted by the seriously compromised and if I might say incredibly inventive ‘Cursed with Cat-Titude’. I kid you not... Incidences suchs as this problem are rare, but not unheard of with those less diligent in their craft!... So once again I invite you all to’ Grab your kirtles, hoist your Chemise and gird your loins this might or most definitely will get messy ....
“Dear Vagina Buttercup,
Ive made a terrible mistake and I am at a loss as to how I can rectify the matter. During the last Full Moon, I felt it was the right time to cast a ‘Attract Abundance’ Spell, after all we are not far from Beltane and I wanted to be prepare for the coming energies.
The spell required both Mint and Dandelions because of their obvious association for attracting wealth, abundance and prosperity. But when I went to my Herb shelve I realised that I was out of Mint, so I thought I would substitute with basil. The trouble is, as it turns out, I should have made sure that it was basil in the jar, because it wasn’t it was Cat-nip!
So it will not surprise you I am sure, that ever since that night I’ve not seen an increase of my wealth, in fact I’ve not seen a single extra penny, but my house is currently being picketed by a chowder of over 27-30 stray cats. & let me be clear here, they are not just sitting there they’ve now started formal rotation. Three of them are permanently staring through my back window with unblinking intensity and I’m pretty sure the big ginger tom has being trying to pick the lock on my back door. To make things worse, my familiar is a crow called Trevor and he is absolutely fuming at me, refusing to come down of my wardrobe in the bedroom, whilst screeching at the top of his lungs, “intruders”.
So PLEASE can you help me to get rid of my abundance of Felines without offending the Bastet devotees in the neighbourhood? PS.. Also how do I get a crow to accept a formal apology?
Living in Hope
Cursed with Cat-Titude
Ohhhhh my, what a too do!..... I should tell you that I did laugh, very loudly when I read your letter, after all, bless you, stupidity, inexperience and lack of proper spell prep, have all come in to play here, but at the same time....well easy mistake to make and none of us are immune to that one my Dear let me tell you.
I can remember when a dear, dear friend of mine, not to mention the most experienced of witches, the Mighty Frig Froske, banished my nephew by mistaking Hemlock for parsley when prepping the Sunday lunch on time, I accept we had a few glasses of the old home brew mead...But there it was we turned around and there he was gone.. Oh how we laughed.. It’s a rites of passage don’t you know..
Of course one of the first things that should be address is your requesting of ‘abundance’ from the Universe. How specific were you? Did you just say i wish to call in abundance? If you didn’t specify the actual abundance that you wanted in your wording the Universe picked something for you. I mean to say.. it’s all in the wording Deary. The Universe was teaching you a lesson to that effect I think and having a laugh in the process..
However, fear not there are things that can be don’t to rectify this situation. Firstly you need to do what we will call, ‘a Reverse-Nip cleanse’. You need to neutralise the smell of Catnip. Mop and wipe down everything with a seriously strong infusion made with Lemon Balm and vinegar.. Cats really hate it and should more than signal to them that the party is over.
Now we get to the Bastet clause... You really do not want to incur the divine wrath of a slighted Goddess, especial a Cat Mother.. NOOooooo... So make sure you leave a VERY tasty, high quality, no expense spared, tuna offering at the boundary of your property. As you place the offering down, Clearly say the following “ I thank the Great Cat for her visit, but my halls are full and my milk is sour”... This is a polite no misunderstanding for times up and of your rejection, but for deities.
We are now at the tricksy bit... Your beloved familiar Trevor..Crows are notoriously known for their sulking and stubbornness. But they do love a bit of the old silver bling. So in this instance I advise that you make a small shiny offering, a thimble or something similar. Place it on his favourite perch and bow slightly to show your apology and deference.. Not to deep a bow or he will assume you are no his familiar and not the other way around. However, do not make eye contact as you do this as he needs to feel that he has won this particular argument.
Finally.... For the Love of the Gods... LABEL YOUR HERBS!!! I have no more to say on that matter you should know better and if you didn't you do now!
And there you have it, thank you all for joining me as together we have traversed poor Cursed with Cat-itude's problem shared moment. As always please do feel free to email me at spiritofawen@btinternet.com with all or any of your questions, queries, and magical problems. I will look forward to hearing from you. Make sure you mark your email FAO V.Buttercup, Precious Pixie corner...
Until next Month
Seasonal Blessings